Fat Mike by Mazel-Tov Cocktail
(Schmoozin' with Fat Mike of NOFX)
Mazeltov Cocktail: Okay, first and foremost, did you have a Bar Mitzvah?
Fat Mike: No.
Mazeltov Cocktail: Why not?
Fat Mike: I never went to Hebrew school.
Mazeltov Cocktail: How were you raised?
Fat Mike: We used to do Passover, sometimes my stepmom would light candles on Friday night and stuff. We used to celebrate Christmas.
Mazeltov Cocktail: Not Hanukkah?
Fat Mike: No, Christmas is more fun, you get a tree.
Mazeltov Cocktail: Yea but on Hanukkah you get presents for eight nights.
Fat Mike: But on Christmas you get all your presents on one day! At my school everyone was fuckin' Jewish...
Mazeltov Cocktail: Where'd you go to high school?
Fat Mike: Beverly High in LA. When I was thirteen, every weekend there was at least one Bar Mitzvah. All my friend's parents would go to a store and buy thirty calculators and that would it be for the year cuz there were Bar Mitavahs every weekend, so instead of getting a present every week...
Mazeltov Cocktail: Everyone would get the same calculator?
Fat Mike: Back then calculators were expensive, lemme tell ya.
Mazeltov Cocktail: So did you know that Passover starts tomorrow?
Fat Mike: Yeah.
Mazeltov Cocktail: Are you doing anything for it?
Fat Mike: I was supposed to see my dad but we're going to Australia this weekend. I did stuff last year.
Mazeltov Cocktail: Okay so you didn't have a Bar Mitzvah and you didn't go to Hebrew school. Do you like anything about being Jewish?
Fat Mike: I like that Jewish culture is based on education. The thought never crossed my mind of not going to college. That's how Jews are brought up, I think. The reason why there's so many Jews in Beverly Hills is because Jews are successful. It's because the culture breeds, uh, I don't know...greed and education. Japanese family culture is like that, too. It's not a coincidence, I don't think. Cultures with strong family structures have good education. Um, I've been to Israel...
Mazeltov Cocktail: Has NOFX ever played there?
Fat Mike: No, but All You Can Eat are going.
Mazeltov Cocktail: Would you guys go there?
Fat Mike: Sure. I didn't like it very much. I went when I was sixteen, right when NOFX was starting. My dad took me out there. I was all punk, you know, spiked hair and drinking and stuff so he wanted to drop me on a kibbutz. I said no way! So I had a big argument with him and he took me home.
Mazeltov Cocktail: Some people won't go to Israel cuz of political stuff.
Fat Mike: I don't pay much attention. I think the Palestinians and the Israelis are both being pretty unreasonable. It's so stupid, I mean, it's just a big hunk of desert. That's what I didn't get, that all these people swarm to this place and it sucks! It's just hot and there's all this sand and it's the worst place! Who'd want to live there? Just cuz the Wailing Wall is in Jerusalem, it still sucks. You should go someplace where there's water and trees.
Mazeltov Cocktail: I've never been there.
Fat Mike: For the most part it's a huge desert. I didn't like it even though there's Jews everywhere..and, uh, Jews suck.
Mazeltov Cocktail: So you don't like Jews?
Fat Mike: Not for the most part. Like, Orthodox Jews get to be a pain in the ass, you know? It's not just them, it's any super-religious people. And in Israel there's a lot of them. And they stink too, you know?
Mazeltov Cocktail: Well they're in the desert, what the fuck!
Fat Mike: I'm sure it's cuz they wear those black coats, and cuz it's Israel, and they don't take baths. We got on a bus and it fucking stunk. It was bad. But then we went to Eilat which is a tourist place.
Mazeltov Cocktail: Oh, that's way down south where people snorkel and shit, right?
Fat Mike: Yeah, we snorkeled and water-skied on the Red Sea.
Mazeltov Cocktail: And there's nude beaches.
Fat Mike: Yeah, it was cool. Oh, the food there sucks too. It's not like my grandmother's brisket or potato pancakes, you can't find that stuff there.
Mazeltov Cocktail: You're into Jewish food?
Fat Mike: Sure, gefilte fish...
Mazeltov Cocktail: Fuck Yeah!
Fat Mike: Herring, I always have a jar of herring in my fridge.
Mazeltov Cocktail: Do you cook Jewish stuff?
Fat Mike: Actually, my wife's a shiksa but sometimes she makes me potato pancakes.
Mazeltov Cocktail: You're pretty lucky. Shiksa, man, some people think that's bad word.
Fat Mike: Really?
Mazeltov Cocktail: Yeah, "goy" too. A few weeks ago I got a ride home from a show with these skinheads from Pennsylvania and they were playing Punk in Drublic in the car, and "The Brews" came on. They were all covered with swastikas and Nazi tattoos, but when that song came on they were so into it!
Fat Mike: Yeah?
Mazeltov Cocktail: They were just singing along about Jewish skinheads and goyim and I'm like pissing my pants. So I told them I was Jewish thinking it was safe and they start going off on Jews, how "goyim" is such a bad word. I was like, whatever. But anyway, all the Jewpunks I know really like that song.
Fat Mike: Well in LA in the Fairfax district there's so many Jewish kids with shaved heads and payis coming out, and you know how girl skinheads shave their heads and leave a little bit around the sides? That's what these little Jewish kids look like, little girl skinheads.
Mazeltov Cocktail: So do you have anything final you wanna say to all the Jewpunks of the world?
Fat Mike: Uh, L'Chaim
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